Mom uses 16-year-old daughter's college fund to pay for mental health treatment after she stole a car and crashed it, paternal grandparents admonish mom for using their late son's money: 'It’s favoritism by taking from her account and not her siblings'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Nov 1, 2024 8:00 PM EDT

College funds are different in every family. Some kids don't get a cent for their education, and some parents put thousands of dollars away in a protected 529 Fund so that it cannot be used for anything other than education. I'd say that most families are somewhere in the middle, with some having their kids' college funds stashed away in the stock market and others using a regular savings account that could be repurposed if college isn't what their kid's future entails. It makes sense that paying the mortgage is more important for middle-class families than being able to afford $70,000 per year tuition at Boston University. It's not just broad-familial financial issues that can deplete a college fund. It's also the actions of the prospective college student. One mother used some of her daughter's college money (her late husband's life insurance money) to pay for mental health treatments, and her mother and father-in-law disagreed with this choice vehemently. 

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    via Curated Lifestyle (Unsplash+)

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  • 02
    AITA for taking my daughter's college/future savings account
    via u/SouthRoad8174
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    My late husband and I have 3 kids, Elena (16), Lucas (15), and Elizabeth (10). My husband passed 4 years ago and had a large enough life insurance policy that I was able to pay off the house and had enough left over to nearly triple the kids college funds. There is enough money in each of their accounts for them to go to a public university debt free or at least 2 years in a private university without scholarships or financial aid.
    via u/SouthRoad8174
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    Elena has always had mental health/behavioral issues. She's been in therapy since she was 4 and until last year was attending an alternative school. Over the summer, she stole her dad's car and crashed it after I said she couldn't go on vacation with her friend. Luckily she and the people in the other car were okay but my insurance wouldn't cover the repairs to the other car. Her behavior escalated after that and her therapist and I decided it would be best for everyone if she went to a resident
    via u/SouthRoad8174
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    A couple weeks ago my husband's parents asked how I was able to afford everything with the car and Elena's school. I make about $70k a year in an area where 100k for a family of 4 is considered low income so it's a fairly valid question. I told them that all of this had to come out of Elena's savings account. There should still be enough in there for her to go to a community college and transfer to a state school but she'd have to get a job to help pay for her expenses.
    via u/SouthRoad8174
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    They were so upset that I took this all out of Elena's account. They were saying it's not my money to give (everything was in my name), that she's a child and I can't screw her over for life over a mistake, and that it's favoritism by only taking from her account and not her siblings. They asked how she feels about it and I told them she doesn't know yet and that we will break it to her when she's doing better in her program. Now they're even more upset with me and I wanted to know if I was the
    via u/SouthRoad8174
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    capmanor1755 • 22h ago Supreme Court [142] Oof NTA! You're handled this beautifully. For oh so many reasons... 1. Your 16 year old his having a mental health crisis. A college fund will do her zero good if she's so unstable that she can't thrive at college- and if she's struggling in high school that's a real good indication that she'd struggle in college. Mental health care has to be her priority.
    via u/capmanor1755
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    2. Since each child had a generous fund it's very reasonable to use her fund for her care and leave the other kids with theirs. You're still leaving her room for community college and even if you couldn't, there's a chance that Elana may continue to struggle and now is the right time to put some boundaries between her needs and her siblings needs. 3. You, not your in-laws, are your children's parents. You alone make parenting decisions. 4. Your husband's life insurance was left to you, not to hi
    via u/capmanor1755
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    I'm sorry that they're interfering. I also fear it's likely that they may try to stir up contention with Elena and her siblings down the road. I would ask her care team for help developing a plan for sharing with her how you've funded her are. I suspect they'll agree to wait until she's stabilized but it would be good to have a therapeutic team behind you. And really, unless her grandparents are in a position to fund her care or fund her college they can stuff it.
    via u/capmanor1755
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    PlanMagnet38 • 22h ago As a college professor, THANK YOU for supporting your child's mental health prior to her attending college. So many students would benefit from waiting until their mental health is stable and doing a slow roll from community college to university. NTA
    via u/PlanMagnet38
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    South Road8174 OP I have spoken to her team about breaking the news to her and they're the ones that recommended that I wait until she's doing better.
    via u/SouthRoad8174
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    puntacana24 NTA - Frankly it's none of their business how you choose to spend your deceased husband's life insurance money, and personally I'm quite impressed that you've generously given so much of it to your kids. Your decision is perfectly reasonable and you aren't an AH for it.
    via u/puntacana24
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    DatabaseMoney3435 I'm autistic, but wasn't diagnosed until I was 67. My parents paid a fortune for shrinks and boarding school for me. I wasn't ready for college and worked til I was late 20s, then stayed with my folks and paid my way through community college, state u, and state law school. My siblings went without a lot due to my needs, and i was glad my folks could support their education. All the education in the world can't compensate for unstable mental health.
    via u/DatabaseMoney3435
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    Random Girl42 NTA. Firstly, actions like stealing and wrecking cars have consequences, and your in-laws are useless idiots if they "think" 16 is too young to learn that. Secondly, tbh it sounds like Elena probably wouldn't make it to any college without addressing what ever her issues are first, so the program seems a sound investment in her future.
    via u/RandomGirl42
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    Ok_Conversation9750 NTA. If your late husband's parents are so distraught over your financial decisions, they can pay the bills from the accident!
    via u/Ok_Conversation9750
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    Ok-Status-9627 ΝΤΑ. It is a difficult position. If you took from all three kids' college funds, you would be the TA, because you would be punishing two for the dangerous and illegal actions of the third. By taking only from Elena's accounts to fund Elena's program, yes, you are limiting Elena's educational options, but if the residential program does what you hope, you are also opening up further opportunities to her, relative to the current situation.
    via u/Ok-Status-9627
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    ugetanewdaddy • 18h ago • You're probably the a h le for sending her to a TTI facility. Just look at r/troubledteens. The industry is a breeding ground for ab e and adding to the trauma. Your kid is traumatized and acting out, and maybe even had issues before dad d ed. If your kid crashed into someone else and you have to pay for it, it's fine that you took their inheritance to do it, but you should have told them before you did it, because that's how you would want to be treated. I'm sorry you'
    via u/ugetanewdaddy
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    Kami_Sang I have a different take - she's a child with mental health issues. If she had a physical health issue would you take the money from her college fund? The answer to this determines if yta. To me it seems that instead of you trying to figure out the funding you just decided that college would have to be sacrificed and you haven't even told her.
    via u/Kami_Sang
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    I hope you and all your advisors know what you're doing. If your child wants to go to college, I'm pretty sure when you finally tell her the funds are depleted you'll probably undo any good this step makes. Good luck!
    via u/Kami_Sang
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    QualiaRedux 18h ago • I'd have to know the "school," but the majority of them are very expensive scams that don't lead to better outcomes. Honestly, I have to think to myself--if she had cancer, would this be cool? I don't think so. This is essentially another expense you have related to her mental and behavioral health, and you're already deciding she won't have as much money for the same education her siblings are getting. It's equal, but it's not necessarily equitable. She has more needs.
    via u/QualiaRedux
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    So soft YTA because chances are, you are sending her to a scam school, and she won't get the same help with education. But the amount of money is so small it's unlikely to make a difference. Those places are expensive, and the fund is very small.
    via u/QualiaRedux
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    Definitely_Human01 • 16h ago • if she had cancer, would this be cool? I don't think so If she had cancer and they were still a family of 4 in a HCOL with a single parent, the savings would still probably be the first to go. Now how the savings would be spent would be debatable, whether it would all come from her fund or it would come from everyone's fund. Either way would lead to someone getting upset.
    via u/Definitely_Human01
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    I don't think it's fair to compare mental and physical health as 1:1. This sub is always going on about how "it's not your fault that you have a mental illness, but how you act because of it is your responsibility" Well she stole a car and then crashed it. Luckily nobody got hurt, but she could've gotten herself or someone else killed. And there has to be consequences for it. Making the expenses come out of only her fund seems to be a fair consequence considering she's in this situation due to h
    via u/Definitely_Human01
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    Tdluxon INFO- Did your husband's parent contribute to the college fund or did you and your husband provide all of the money?
    via u/Tdluxon
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    South Road8174 OP They contributed $5k. There is still $15k in the account.
    via u/SouthRoad8174
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    money_me_please Those behavioral schools/programs are scams. You're wasting her money
    via u/money_me_please
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    My fingers are seriously crossed that OP cancels that altogether. Regardless of whether OP is the AH, there are way too many ab e horror stories/reveals about those kinds of programs, and they're always scams either way. Researching them online doesn't guarantee anything, either- these types of places frequently pay or threaten people to take down negative reports and reviews. These programs are 100% scams, and can ruin kids' lives for years. It's financially not at all worth
    via u/the-demon-next-door
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    ETA: I understand that the original post mentions tours and talking to staff and students- take it all with a grain of salt. These programs are thorough about their lies; they can and do force students to lie, and make sure everything looks dandy to parents taking tours. I'd be especially wary of schools recommended by therapists, too, considering these behavioral programs pay their way into people's sights. Joe vs. Elan School is a fantastic and sobering firsthand insight into this insidious in
    via u/the-demon-next-door

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family drama teenager teenagers raising daughters reddit story parenting raising teens mental health family grandparents reddit thread Reddit mom money college
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